2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season."
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe...
- Anna Nalick, Just Breathe (2 AM)
This pretty much sums up the last couple days. If you've never heard the song, look it up on YouTube. It PWNs my face.
1.10.2008
1.09.2008
Blah...
This semester has kicked my ass.
The crap with the divorce and all has touched a nerve that I've been covering up and ignoring with more success than expected, until now. Now sometimes I feel like something big and heavy has just collapsed on top of me and is about to crush me, suffocate me, or both.
School is flaying me alive too, big time.
AP classes were WAY harder than I first expected, and now that I've got my feet more under me and have settled in again, there's still that thorn in my side: Spanish.
I didn't sign up for it, I didn't WANT to sign up for it. But when I had the chance to change it before the semester started I way underestimated the difficulty of my upcoming classes. I've been failing that class since the beginning. The first three weeks of school I was completely in the dark about it. I missed the ten-day drop period (hah! I hadn't a clue it existed!) and so it looks like, since it's a year-long class that's already been paid for and everything, I probably won't be able to drop it.
There goes my GPA!
Ugh. The divorce thorn in my side's taken a toll too. Not only has something big and heavy collapsed on me, but the bottom has dropped out of my universe.
Mom's new boy hasn't helped matters AT ALL.
I'll act amiable enough, but I neither like him nor do I think I can tolerate his presence for much longer. It seems like Mom takes every chance she can to have him over, and I'm getting fucking tired of it. I can understand him being run out of his son's house on the weekends while the rooms above his new shop are being rennovated, but y'know what, there's a new invention called hotels. Stay there, don't invade the only home I've known for sixteen years and not had to share with anyone but my family, friends, or my sister's friends.
Yes, I've been naive to think that my parents would never argue and never need time apart. Yes, I'd be naive to think that Mom wouldn't look for someone else to be with. But those naive notions have been brutally shattered, and I've been alive long enough that those naive notions are deeply ingrained.
Mom may not think that this affects my performance in school much, but I'm pretty sure it does. Kate agrees. She tells me her butt's been whipped too.
Normally I'm not much a one for being depressed or anything, but this past semester's stress has hit hard, and I still haven't gotten my balance back.
Hell, I haven't even felt this downright shitty since Memaw died. I got over that fairly quickly, probably since it was that one thing and there wasn't anything to rub my face in it.
But with this, on a regular basis the divorce is being rubbed in my face, and it's getting raw.
This sort of stress isn't good for a junior with hard AP classes in a tough academy like IB and hopes to attend a prestigous university like Chapel Hill. AT ALL!
-snort- What am I saying, it's not good for anyone period!
-hunches sulkily in a corner muttering darkly to self-
The world is stupid. People are stupid. People are greedy. People are selfish. People are ignorant. People are lazy. People are insensitive. People are close-minded. People are people! That's what's wrong with the world!
That's why so many people died and will die in the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, and Iraq. That's why people are and have been slaughtered like so many chickens in Rwanda and Sudan. That's why my school, with some of the best teachers I've ever had the privilege to learn from, is the poorest, shoddiest school in the county. That's why my school has the worst reputation. That's why whenever something happens at my school it's on the front page of the paper, and when similar things happen at other schools it's hardly a little blip buried in the paper. That's why Columbine happened. That's why people like David get so down that they sound almost suicidal in their blogs when their girlfriends break up with them. That's why my patience and peace of mind have been tried to almost the breaking point this last semester.
That's why I'm ranting mindlessly right now, trying to vent all the pent-up frustration, grief, and helpless indignation I've been carrying for weeks.
The crap with the divorce and all has touched a nerve that I've been covering up and ignoring with more success than expected, until now. Now sometimes I feel like something big and heavy has just collapsed on top of me and is about to crush me, suffocate me, or both.
School is flaying me alive too, big time.
AP classes were WAY harder than I first expected, and now that I've got my feet more under me and have settled in again, there's still that thorn in my side: Spanish.
I didn't sign up for it, I didn't WANT to sign up for it. But when I had the chance to change it before the semester started I way underestimated the difficulty of my upcoming classes. I've been failing that class since the beginning. The first three weeks of school I was completely in the dark about it. I missed the ten-day drop period (hah! I hadn't a clue it existed!) and so it looks like, since it's a year-long class that's already been paid for and everything, I probably won't be able to drop it.
There goes my GPA!
Ugh. The divorce thorn in my side's taken a toll too. Not only has something big and heavy collapsed on me, but the bottom has dropped out of my universe.
Mom's new boy hasn't helped matters AT ALL.
I'll act amiable enough, but I neither like him nor do I think I can tolerate his presence for much longer. It seems like Mom takes every chance she can to have him over, and I'm getting fucking tired of it. I can understand him being run out of his son's house on the weekends while the rooms above his new shop are being rennovated, but y'know what, there's a new invention called hotels. Stay there, don't invade the only home I've known for sixteen years and not had to share with anyone but my family, friends, or my sister's friends.
Yes, I've been naive to think that my parents would never argue and never need time apart. Yes, I'd be naive to think that Mom wouldn't look for someone else to be with. But those naive notions have been brutally shattered, and I've been alive long enough that those naive notions are deeply ingrained.
Mom may not think that this affects my performance in school much, but I'm pretty sure it does. Kate agrees. She tells me her butt's been whipped too.
Normally I'm not much a one for being depressed or anything, but this past semester's stress has hit hard, and I still haven't gotten my balance back.
Hell, I haven't even felt this downright shitty since Memaw died. I got over that fairly quickly, probably since it was that one thing and there wasn't anything to rub my face in it.
But with this, on a regular basis the divorce is being rubbed in my face, and it's getting raw.
This sort of stress isn't good for a junior with hard AP classes in a tough academy like IB and hopes to attend a prestigous university like Chapel Hill. AT ALL!
-snort- What am I saying, it's not good for anyone period!
-hunches sulkily in a corner muttering darkly to self-
The world is stupid. People are stupid. People are greedy. People are selfish. People are ignorant. People are lazy. People are insensitive. People are close-minded. People are people! That's what's wrong with the world!
That's why so many people died and will die in the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, and Iraq. That's why people are and have been slaughtered like so many chickens in Rwanda and Sudan. That's why my school, with some of the best teachers I've ever had the privilege to learn from, is the poorest, shoddiest school in the county. That's why my school has the worst reputation. That's why whenever something happens at my school it's on the front page of the paper, and when similar things happen at other schools it's hardly a little blip buried in the paper. That's why Columbine happened. That's why people like David get so down that they sound almost suicidal in their blogs when their girlfriends break up with them. That's why my patience and peace of mind have been tried to almost the breaking point this last semester.
That's why I'm ranting mindlessly right now, trying to vent all the pent-up frustration, grief, and helpless indignation I've been carrying for weeks.
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